For the first time in a long time, I dove into the pitch black water on the pond we’ve visited for so many years at night. The water was deep black to me as I stood swaying on the dock before launching into a dive. Beneath the surface, I opened my eyes and looked up. What I saw resembled an open lens from the opposite side that I normally see, and it felt a lot like developing sheets of 4x5 film in the complete darkness, only the wet was wrapped all around me. Then I floated up to see a slathering of stars and possibility. I’ve found that what I really want to do is get to the bottom so that I can look up, to delve inward, to make work that speaks to what is happening inside me.
I'd like to get to the place where all within me comes together into pictures. I aim to peck at the question of just what are my intentions as a photographer: what is my purpose and why am I here? Like many, I can recognize work I like and relate too, but am not sure why or how I can get there. Too, too often, ideas flutter and fly away before I can catch them. Things are more ambiguous and uncertain than ever, nothing is obvious to me anymore. Where I am feels very circular, but I am hoping that this place opens the opportunity for ideas to come to me from new, unexpected places.
I see that it is going to take patience to know what is within me and why. So much more still needs to be done to understand my pictures and what makes me, me. It sort of feels like being newly in love or just having had my heart broken. It's the same feeling for either. I am so nervous and excited. I am finding myself more tired than normal with the weight of all the emotions inside me as I prepare myself for taking it all to this next phase. Everything up to now seems now to be but an appetizer. There is so much that lies unseen and unknown that are waiting to be imagined and discovered.
Camera in hand, I have set myself onto this path, however twisty and obscure, because it’s going to be all about the feeling that wouldn’t be otherwise, for me. It's the metaphorical letting go, yet being there for what is to be received. This pull to find a new balance within myself and with regard to my work is a bit frightening like the water in the dark, yet oddly inviting. It's all this that I want to convey with pictures - the struggle I face in finding myself, both deep within and all around me. It’s a whole new beginning; it’s sure going to be weird and wild, and wondrous. And so the refrain goes on as I look onward to all that is to come.
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